Feeling Self-Conscious — And Later, Less So

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday to shop for bras since I own only one bra that I like to wear. But, it’s black so it shows through when I wear a white top.  I needed more bras.

I was wearing my 4″ gold-colored sandal wedges, short white shorts that showed off my long and shapely legs, and a lime-green top with my black bra underneath.  I also had freshly washed, long, slightly curly blonde hair. I was wearing reasonably conservative make-up — eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow and something to make my skin more smooth and consistently colored.

Turns out I’m not the only person who thinks I look good like this … about eight hours later, I did an impromptu cam show with this same make-up and outfit, and I gleaned a new client interesting in having me do sexy modeling. Yay!

I spent some time in the lingerie section. Calmly and precisely I picked out three bras and a white thong.  I also picked out some other general items to buy, and I walked past the cosmetics area.

This brought back a flood of memories.  At that same store, approximately one year ago, and looking like a guy, I ventured out late one night to buy some eye make-up and lipstick.  I felt horribly awkward.  I recall a lady smiling at me while I was choosing the items. I recall wanting to tell her “I’m buying these for myself, and now that you know that maybe you won’t be quite as friendly any more.”  I didn’t want undeserved benevolence and I felt I didn’t deserve any.

What a huge contrast that is with today, when in broad daylight, I parked quite some distance away from the entrance, and looking as I do (6′ tall blonde plus 4″ heels — no way I could blend in) I walked across the huge parking lot, into the store and did my shopping feeling confident and pretty.

Two more things happened that I like.

  • The cashier ended up chatting with me cheerfully, telling me about her relationship with her boyfriend, in a way that folks never did when I looked like a guy. This sort of social openness amongst girls is a new and wonderful thing for me, to be so automatically included.
  • I generally look very happy nowadays and it really shows.  I smile a lot.  While I was at the check-out stand, the lady in line behind me was preoccupied with something personal. She was frowning. And then, she glanced at me and then made a point of looking at me, and her frown turned into a friendly smile.  I loved that.

In other news:

  • Wearing this same outfit, I went to have my eyebrows waxed, and while I was paying for the service, there was a cute brunette standing around, smiling at me in a way that was even more than friendly.  I love girls but my social agenda is about as full as I can manage but I suspect that if I suggested we go get a cup of coffee somewhere, she’d have said “yes” — is the “vibe” I got.
  • This was the first time I wore my bra and heels and make-up to the office.  I told the contractor there about my look so he doesn’t freak out when he sees me.  He ended up being fine with the look and we worked on making great software, just as we normally do.
  • My mom showed up at the office too and ended up giving me a lot of mother-daughter advice, which I appreciated a lot. I’ve always wanted to have that sort of dynamic with my mom, and now I finally do.
  • My car needed some cleaning, and I ended up at a self-service car wash holding a high-powered hose and washing the car with it, when two guys walked past.  I realized I fitted the “leggy blonde in a too-tight top washing her car” stereotype almost like I was in some cheesy movie. I liked that.
  • I recall when I used to be self-conscious about pumping gas wearing my short shorts. Last night, wearing short shorts and my 4″ heels, I cheerfully filled up my car and felt good about it.
  • While at the office, around 9 p.m., I decided to join an online for models-and-escorts t-girl chat session in which some girls have *very* sexy cam sessions.  I was by then alone at the office, so it didn’t disrupt anyone and I was on my own time, and it’s OK with the company if I use my PC for personal stuff like this.  So, by contrast with these very sexy girls, my background and attire were very conservative — bright white neon lights, whiteboards and office clothing.  Even so, I got quite a lot of attention.  Eventually, I became inspired to offer a free strip show, so part of the conversation was conducted with my shorts and top off and me wearing just my thong and bra.  That got me even more attention.  I liked that, without any special preparation, I looked good enough to spontaneously jump into a chat-and-cam session and be competitive with girls who make a living by looking hot.

Lots of progress, yay!

I sometimes wish the “me of today” could go back to 2011, and take the self-conscious t-girl that I was then by the hand, and say: “Things are going to be just fine.  Here’s a preview of your future.  Isn’t it wonderful?”

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