Avoiding that one big Mistake

1024px-Chess-king

I make complex custom database software for a living, and I just finished a new version for a client this morning. And I’m sleep-deprived and want to take a nap, but before my nap I wanted to wind down. I play online chess to do that.

I just played a game. I was doing really well, being careful and methodical, and then I decided to move my queen (the most powerful piece) and then decided “No, that’s not where I want to put it, I need to think up a better plan yet.” So, I intended to put it back where it was before, but I slipped and put it on the actual board, in a valid but very bad spot. It was an official move, and it counted, and there’s no do-over in chess, just like in real life.  Dangit!! 

So, from then it was all downhill in a predictable way, and I lost the game.

This was, to me, a good analogy for real life. One’s freedom and health are paramount, like the queen in a chess game. Lose that and things continue but in a much more limited way and you’re basically not in control and then things get worse and worse and overwhelming and then the end happens sooner and unpleasantly, with little glory. 

Telling the universe “gosh, there was just this one huge mistake” isn’t much consolation.

I have a friend who is wonderful and thoughtful and deliberate and brilliant but she chose to do something that was illegal though totally within her rights, and for that activity she chose a date that ended up causing her major problems later on in life. Another friend who is less brilliant but certainly deserves better than she got, did several things in a combination, all of which were impressively illegal and yet she was totally within her rights, and by “rights” I mean basic human fundamental rights, not whatever the local law enforcement folks happen to consider to be someone’s rights. In fact, the local law enforcement folks are typically the largest violator of rights when it comes to people doing with their own bodies things that they have every human right to do, but right or wrong, if it violates some or other dumb law they might even so end up being arrested. This happened to my friend. The local law enforcement folks made her pay a five-figure fine and took away her car and freedom for a while. And until that one isolated incident her life was wonderful.

I’ve also exchanged emails with some people who were thoughtful and smart and yet had made just one mistake too many, and they ended up being HIV positive. One mistake is all it takes.

I mention this because for many t-girls, we live our sexual and social life repressed, and when we finally break free we’re so sexually and socially wild that we’re often not cautious enough. It’s sort of like someone escaping from where they’ve been wrongly imprisoned and then while crossing the main road they get run over. It’s sort of extra sad.

I’m all for being wild and free but doing so in a way that enables you to avoid looking back and saying “that was a big mistake, and I wish I could have a do-over.”

For example, the things I’ve done have inspired many to say “wow” but I did them while actively trying to manage the legality and safety issues. It’s sort of like driving faster than the legal speed limit. If your car is safe enough, and so is the road, and you’re a good enough driver and highly unlikely to get a fine, then I’m all for it.

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No Regrets, Emphatically

Today, I happened to see an article about the regrets that people voice on their deathbeds. The most common theme is that people lament a lack of integrity, motivated by a lack of courage. That’s not a basic regret I’ll ever have. I will regret not having transitioned sooner, and I do regret that I haven’t more aggressively pursued a more feminine, prettier and sexier look, but still … a victory is a victory, and this is mine.

No such regrets, here. Once I realized that there exists a proven medical condition of people with female-structure brains yet born with male-shaped privates, I could seriously consider the possibility of “hey, that’s me!”The massive mountain of evidence that I’d been filing away as “overly vivid imagination” could now be seriously considered. It indicated that it’s overwhelmingly likely that I am exactly such a person.

Then began the process of changing how I talk, look, walk, dress … my legal name, my gender on my driver’s license, how I interact with people socially. In the beginning it was very intimidating but I faced the issue and powered through it. And, as I look back, and look at my life today, I realize that it’s been a huge success.

Only a few months ago, I was almost homeless and within a few dollars of being unable to buy enough food to eat.

Today, I am OK. In fact, I’m vastly better than OK. I’m happy and doing well. I still have a lot of business debt, but still — nowadays, I get to choose which of my two different BMW 3-series I’ll drive to work today, or perhaps my Ford van, or my Jeep Grand Wagoneer.

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I love my work and I made close to $3K this week, in my software business. I’m in the shape I want to be in, and I’m healthy and happy.

tanya