Finding Joy in being a T-Girl Vicariously

g_L0A7528To be candid: I understand the t-girl mind-set better than most folks probably do. What I write in this post is a generalization, but in my experience it’s a reasonable generalization.

Early on in the progression of a t-girl, she sees no hope for herself to ever come out and to look or be sexy. Some t-girls who are in that situation then externalize their attention on another girl. The t-girl lavishes on that other girl all the care and attention that she craves for herself but isn’t ready for — and worse: that she doesn’t believe herself to be worthy of receiving. I don’t mean this in a disparaging way but with empathy: self-loathing tends to be part of the t-girl’s early mind-set. It’s undeserved self-loathing, but that doesn’t make it feel emotionally any less painful.

A little less than ten years ago, I involved sexy girls in my social life and sex life. I bought them plane tickets, bought them sexy clothes & BDSM equipment, took them on exotic vacations, dressed them up and showed them off. I enjoyed looking at them, dressed and undressed. I enjoyed their company including intense sexuality, including BDSM, privately and in semi-public dungeons. I ravished them, bought them meals, lent them money, and cared for them. In many cases I helped them to relocate to be closer to me. I helped them find better-paying careers such as in software development.

All this love and energy, I poured into them while neglecting myself. I was personally in financial dire straits and also falling apart health-wise, though I didn’t realize the gravity of either problem at the time.

I felt unworthy to be the recipient of the nice treatment that I was lavishing on the girls in my life. I was nice to them before, during and after the time they spent with me. When they wanted to move on, I encouraged that, too. I’m still friends with many of them.

Today, I realize that the way I was treating these girls was secretly how I wanted to be treated. I wanted to be thought of as pretty and helped to look prettier yet, and to be sexually adored and ravished in my capacity as a girl, and taken to nice places, and be given nice presents. I was struggling and lost, deep down. I wanted to be helped, just as I helped these girls. I wanted someone to take charge and solve my problems, just as I did for these girls.

A typical theme in my choice of girl was that she
a) was lovely
b) needed rescuing
c) was someone in whose life I could make a big difference
d) was sexually intense
e) submissive enough to allow me to take charge and do my lavishing and ravishing.

As it happens, none of them were t-girls but they might have been and it wouldn’t have changed the basic premise.

Now, as I think back at that time-frame, I feel embarrassed that I did this and the reasons why, though I am happy if I added value along the way. And now, finally, today, the energy, time and money that I used to allocate to others, I am now finally and belatedly focusing on myself — including my creditors and my health.

At a superficial level, the best possible treatment I could imagine for myself right now would be to hop into a time machine and go be one of the girls that the “me” of ten years ago was adoring and ravishing.

Frankly, I think the t-girl should primarily be nice to herself. and it’s never too late to start.

If any of this resonates with you, I’m glad. I hope it helps you.