Being Disowned by Family

I have contact with many t-girls who haven’t come out (yet). Many of them are convinced that if they do, those who are close to them will disown them.

In other words, these t-girls are convinced that they’re only loved for the illusions they represent, not their real selves.  I can only imagine how something like that would be devastating to someone’s self-image.and self-confidence.

If you’re in a situation like that, then … remember, you have a female brain structure.  You think with your brain, not your male plumbing. And because you have a female brain, you’ll tend to deal with conflict as most girls naturally do. You’ll avoid it, and try to keep the peace even if it’s at the expense of your own happiness.  It’s a chick thing.  I don’t advocate it but wow, is it common.

I would personally rather be loved for how I am. If that means I lose everyone who loves me only on the condition that I’m a male, so be it. The world has seven billion people in it. Presumably I can find a few who will like me for who I really am.

Ironically, it’s helped me to know that I don’t have a right to be liked or loved. It’s how someone might react. Or they might not. And if someone doesn’t like or love me, I have no right to it.

Certainly, if they check out as part of being unreasonable, my respect for them drops and probably I’ll like or love them less too eventually.

And so, for people who’ve only known me while I was trying to function as a male, I packaged the news gently and I tried to time it well. But, I did announce it.  And then, whatever happened, happened.

Predicatably, some people checked out. And many didn’t.

gIMAG1302Since I’m writing this for Father’s Day, you have probably guessed the connection.

My biological dad was a colorful character and there are some clues that he might have suspected I have female brain wiring. But, this is all conjecture. In a great many ways he was a magnificent father. But, he also did many negative things, including being mean and manipulative, so for me, the bad outweighed the good. I basically checked out of the relationship with my dad many years ago. He passed away some years ago. I wasn’t there when it happened.

I missed having a father figure. And so a platonic friendship with a gentleman who was twenty years my senior, and whose ethics I respected at the time, slowly grew into a surrogate father situation for me. I liked that.  At some point we made it semi-formal, and I’d address him as “Dad” and he’d sign his emails to me “Love, Dad.”  In many ways he acted just like a good father would have. When I needed help, he helped. When I needed support, he was supportive. And when he needed help or support, I was there for him too. As the years went by, we became more and more close.

As people go, I figured he’d be more open-minded than most, as to me realizing I’m a t-girl.

I was mistaken. He basically disowned me. He didn’t break contact but he become emotionally distant. His emails to me ended with “your old friend” … no longer “love” and no longer “dad.” I visited with him in person, and explained the reasoning, the facts, the science behind all this. He listened but at some level it didn’t sink in. He accepted the logic and yet at some deep emotional level it didn’t matter to him.

I kept trying. I invited him to breakfast, lunch, etc. to discuss his concerns until he explained that it’s excruciating for him to be out in public with me.

And, so, I checked out.  Win some, lose some …

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