Until I came out and lived openly as the girl I am, my own life didn’t matter beyond a particular point.
I did whitewater kayaking (dangerous!) and generally lived as if my life did not matter much to me, because as I was living it, pretending to be a boy, it didn’t. I gradually neglected my health more and more. I knew my health was deteriorating but somehow it was hard to be motivated to do anything to counteract that.
Generally, I worked — A LOT. Sometimes I made money, sometimes I didn’t. I worked seven days a week, long hours every day. Somehow there was always a crisis or a pretext, but in retrospect the situation as a whole was actually by my choice … big-picture-wise. Even on Waikiki Beach I managed to be a workaholic, spending time on the phone talking to a pain-in-the-butt client for several miserable hours on end.
Working such long hours miserably was OK with me. I had wonderful people in my life, but in a sad way, beyond a certain level, I was checked out emotionally, out of … almost everything. The only part of my social life when I was really passionate was when I was focused on romancing a pretty girl. And, in retrospect, I realize now that much of my passion was based on being strangely drawn to people who were the sort of girls who I’d wanted to be like without realizing it consciously.
So today I took a day off while my software company was chasing a deadline. The brilliant software developer whom I’d tasked with the work had it totally under control., and she pulled it off perfectly and admirably. She gave me a demo at the end of the day, and she had done a great job.
What did I do? I made jewelry for myself. I like the look of the blonde gym instructress in Legally Blonde, specifically the jewelry she wore in court. It was a pretty gold chain, and then into whatever cleavage she had (which wasn’t much, but was pretty to me) hung a vertical chain.
I tried to find something like that at inexpensive clothing stores, Walmart, etc. I found nothing like that. Finally, for less than $10, I bought some chains, and trinkets to make my own jewelry. And I custom-made it so that the vertical chain and trinket hangs where I have cleavage (which isn’t much, but it’s growing). Not that this is all I did today, but five years ago, this sort of day would have been utterly unthinkable. The idea of there being professional software development work to be done, with me not doing the lion’s share, and instead focusing on my own appearance … unimaginable. And yet, I did, and everything ended up being just fine.
I’m not OK with showing off my cleavage topless, so I truncated the photos I took of my jewelry tonight. But, you get the idea. My life as the girl I am, openly, is so different than when I was trying to live in a boy role — in a simple and wonderful way, and I am so much happier.
I took these pictures in front of the Nevada flag, because I love how open-minded my fellow Nevadans are about me being a trans girl and living openly as such.