Living in Full Color

The movie True Lies is one of my favorites for a great many reasons. For this article, I’m focusing on the role played by Jamie Lee Curtis. In case you haven’t seen the movie, I’m giving you a very limited version of the story. Essentially she is logical and a good person, but she has a humdrum life by her standards and mine, and she’s secretly ready for much, much more. When she has the opportunity to break her self-imposed chains and live a wild life, she does so even though it’s all new and dangerous. She applies the same precision of thought to her new context, and her logical approach enables her to prevail. She falls (including literally) but she gets up again and keeps going. At the end of the story, she’s the character for whom I have the most respect.

Another movie like that is Yes Man. The main character lets life pass by, but then finally wakes up and embraces the possibilities — and thrives.

Their stories have many similarities to my own.

Before I came out as a t-girl, I was not sociable. I didn’t like going out. When I bought pretty clothes, they were always for the pretty girls in my life, not for me. I was all about girls being ravished sexually, in wild and wonderful ways — but always others, not me. Even when I was on vacation, I always wove work issues into the timeline, even if it totally destroyed the festive theme.

Example: My favorite place at the time was Waikiki Beach, and (this was before cell phones) I managed to spend hours on a pay phone on Waikiki Beach talking to a problem client who deserved none of my time and attention, especially while I was on vacation.

When I did fun things they were often intended for the benefit of whoever was with me at the time. Not that I didn’t enjoy things — I did — but often I more appeared to focus on myself and secretly I was focused on delighting whomever I was with at the time.

Ironically, when I was sexual with someone else, they got treated in a way where they enjoyed the experience (based on the feedback I got during and after) but ironically whatever they were experiencing was actually what I secretly fantasized about experiencing for myself. When I was all alone in the room and pleasuring myself sexually, I was fantasizing about someone ravishing me as I was ravishing whoever was in my life at the time.

Ironically now that I’m out as a t-girl, if I could go back in time and find the person I was fifteen years ago, I’d have enjoyed being spoiled, sexualized and ravished by that person, very much.

So now that I live life to the fullest, I still try to mix my fun with revenue-generating activities but now I basically have fun, and the money happens along the way. For example, I used to have an intense a fantasy about being a hotel room whore. And so a girlfriend of mine met me in a large city far away, dressed me up, put make-up on me, and took pictures and posted ads for me. She screened prospective clients and chose one and arranged the meeting, then left me to enjoy the experience in our hotel room. It WAS hot. No money changed hands so it was all legal, but it was very intense. Next she arranged something similar but this involved me going to someone’s hotel room, for more of the same. Again no money changed hands, but otherwise the fantasy was complete. A good time was had by all — and it was safe enough, and nothing bad happened.

Last year I decided to live out another fantasy: being an escort, solo. I flew to a large city where this sort of thing (and much more yet) is all legal, and I rented an elegant apartment, placed ads and screened clients. No-one was safe enough by my high standards, so while feeling ever more ridiculous I spent a very celibate half-week saying “no thank you” over and over. I finally decided on plan B, and so I flew to another such large city.

My flight arrived just after midnight. It was raining and cold; late December in northern Europe. Even so, I took a train from the airport, and a taxi to the largest brothel in the country — a very well-run, ethical and safety-conscious establishment. So within an hour of my plane having landed, I was standing in the driveway of the brothel in the rain, putting on my 6″ stripper stilettos and then marching in there to apply for work. They weren’t hiring so I went across the street to their competition — and was hired immediately. No hand-wringing, no doubts, no hesitation … I knew what I wanted to experience and I cheerfully and diligently pursued it — and yet I was still ethical and safety-conscious.

This might explain why I quit there an hour later with zero revenue to show for my very short career in a European brothel. Still, I wanted to experience what it’d be like, and I did. I’m glad and I’m proud of being so gung-ho and yet remaining safety-conscious and insisting on doing business honestly — or not at all.

By contrast, five years ago I was so timid. For example, I even felt ashamed looking at boxes of blonde hair dye in the aisle of the local grocery store, while fantasizing about one day having long, blonde hair myself.

That’s ironic, given everything I’ve done, and that I now look like this:

gg2015-08-06 20.21.06

I’m reminded of the old Virginia Slims cigarettes ads that show a girl thriving. The wording on the ads was: “you’ve come a long way, baby.” Yes, I have.

Here is a scientific analysis as to how much better life is for many t-girls as a result of coming out.

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