Ever since I realized I’m a t-girl I also came to understand that until then I’ve artificially tried to live like a guy … the guy that never was. It’s been wonderful to embrace my own femininity. For example, today was a cold day, and I went out only after carefully choosing a pretty black outfit with tight leggings, big and fuzzy pink socks, black boots with bright pink laces and a pretty matching necklace. Life is so wonderful now. I care about myself and even the packaging matters.
Until I realized I’m a girl, I didn’t much care what I wore. Dressing was a cheerless task of clothing a body that I didn’t care about to live in a role that I didn’t care about.
Ever since I realized I’m basically a girl, it’s been fine and good to veer my agenda sharply towards the feminine because that’s what was lacking. But finally, I think it’s time to say I’m now in a balanced place. I can stop banning my every masculine trait and trying to replace that with the female equivalent. Yes, my right brain, on which much of my personality and emotion are based, has a basically female structure. And yes, I have mostly feminine traits as such. But I am indeed a t-girl. And based on the latest scientific evidence, my left brain (supposedly the part more responsible for the analytical aspect of thinking) is still as male as a genetically integrated male’s is — and it’ll always be like that. So be it. I have a life to live, and I’ll live it in accordance with who and what I am, as best I can figure that out.
For example, this evening I needed to involve myself and my female colleague in a conference call with an IT guy. When I told her that, she sighed. She mentioned how this IT guy always treats her as if she’s stupid. That’s not a nice way to treat any lady, but this particular lady might just be the most intelligent human I’ve ever met, so it’s especially ironic. Anyway, the IT guy wanted to have a conversation because a custom software system we’d created for our largest client is apparently going to have some of its backup disk space de-allocated.
That’s a problem too. I can make a fairly good case that this is the most important piece of software from the client’s perspective, and that whatever disk space this software needs and uses, it should get to keep. However, now that the system’s proponents are two girls, the system has magically become a lot less important in the eyes of the IT guys. Funny, isn’t it?
What’s even more ironic is that this is the nicest IT guy who is involved with this client. The others are way more condescending yet. At least this guy actively tries to be nice.
Anyway, this nicest (for what it’s worth) IT guy indicated I should call him, and via email, I suggested a time-frame. He confirmed, and I called him at that time. Did he answer the call? No. So I left him a voice mail and sent him an email, indicating he’d missed my call and suggesting that perhaps we can try again tomorrow night, because for the rest of the evening I was going to be focusing on something else. In other words, he should not call me back tonight. Indeed, I was about to immerse myself in some very complex software code.
The IT guy called me back anyway in spite of all that. The try-to-be-as-feminine-as-I-can version of me would have also tried to be extra gentle and accommodating, and I’d have interrupted my work, destroyed my concentration, derailed my train of thought, undermined my productivity and taken his call anyway.
The new, more-assertive me decided that he’s inconveniencing me and it’s not OK, and he can wait. And so I didn’t take his call, kept focusing on my software development work and my life went on, happily and productively. Better!
A wise person keeps reminding me that as a t-girl, I do in many ways have the best of both worlds. I’m starting to think she might have a valid point …