Too Late

I mentor girls like me. My hope and intent is to identify t-girls who have bought into the premises of those who treat them unfairly. So, they join in and hold themselves back (or worse) unfairly too. For such girls, I try to be a good example. I also remind them that they are basically worthy as human beings. Some of them then realize that they can stand up for themselves. They can live as who they are openly. They can stop living in the shadows while relegating their hopes and dreams into a fantasy future. Reality is harsh — the golden future tends to not come about until and unless the t-girl enacts the required cause so as to get the desired effect.

I used to rescue people, which meant that I did too much of the work. So nowadays, I go to a reasonable amount of trouble but I try to not cross the line as to what’s proper.

I generally advise t-girls that delaying living your life as who you are is simply another day wasted; a day lived in a state of mind that I know only too well, and am happy to never have to experience again. Now that I’m living openly as a t-girl, I get funny looks from the more-conservative folks sometimes but I don’t care. Whether or not they approve of me, I finally approve of myself. For me, that’s a fundamentally better way of living. Now that I live with integrity, I’m a happier person than I thought could be possible. If I can inspire others to experience this, good.

However, many t-girls hesitate, then stagnate … they show up on my radar screen, seem eager to move forward but then don’t. Often they vanish and reappear again later, much sadder, and still unwilling to take that one vital step for themselves.

Time isn’t kind. Many not-out t-girls don’t get stronger by waiting one more day. If anything they get weaker. Some drink. Some get depressed. Some neglect their health to the point where it’s failing terminally or they will at best have a very uphill battle just to live a minimally normal life, whether as a t-girl or otherwise.

This weekend is a case in point. I traveled to a distant city to meet and mentor a t-girl whose mind has the sort of brilliant precision that makes her a delight to interact with via email. She writes long and well; her thoughts are wonderful and complex and her life story would never sell as a book because what she’s survived strains credibility as far as the average reader is concerned. It’s hard for me to imagine someone enduring so much abuse, of every basic kind that I know to exist, and still be even minimally functional, much less a delightful, good and sweet person.

That she’s a not-out t-girl and has kept these suspicions repressed and hidden for a long, long time has only added to her stress level.

In online interaction with me she came to realize that indeed, she’s a t-girl. Yet she didn’t think she could live as a t-girl openly, not least because she lives with a parent who, she tells me,  would throw her out of the house if she came out as a t-girl. 

Her health, meanwhile, is failing quickly and she has very little extra strength to do much else than trying to make it to her medical appointments. She’s basically lost the will to live, and she’s just going through the motions. The only way she would be motivated to keep going is to live as a t-girl, and she can’t imagine successfully doing this.

My online presence helped her but, she explained, with me being some online persona somewhere ethereal, it doesn’t seem real enough to her and she needs all the help she can get to convince her that the life she craves is viable so that she can be motivated to step through the doorway into her new life.

There’s also the problem that for her, coming out also means: finding a new place to stay. In rare circumstances I am willing to open my house to allow a t-girl to stay with me while she’s finding her way, sort of Tanya’s Home for Wayward T-Girls, but my requirements are pretty strict, and they subsume those of my strict landlady, and sadly even this amazing girl doesn’t qualify due to her severe health problems and having two kitties that she understandably loves but that doesn’t reconcile well to moving to a no-kitties-allowed place in the boonies more than two thousand miles away.

And so I traveled to her, more than two thousand miles. I paid for more airfare and hotel bills than I can easily afford but then again if this girl turns her life around, maybe she might one day be willing to work for one of my companies and she’s brilliant so she’d do well. I justify the expense as “recruiting” and in the past, this sort of thing sometimes pays off very well and I end up with someone dedicated, grateful and appreciative, only too happy to have a workplace where she can live as who she is. In my experience, high-quality people thrive in that sort of a situation. And when their thriving also helps my business, it’s a mutual “win.”

Due to being in stealth mode, the t-girl didn’t wanna spend the night since then her mom would wonder what’s up. So at best she could visit me during the day. She was scheduled to arrive at my hotel at noon.

Since she has a boot fetish I also brought along my long, black, high-heeled leather boots even though, well, yes, it is the hottest part of the summer. Since she wanted to see me dressed in my Dominatrix outfit (even though I’ve retired) here’s how I was dressed while waiting for her knock on the hotel room door.
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Around that time, she sent me an email explaining how she’d had an unexpected emergency procedure that morning and was sedated and it was unsafe for her to drive. If I really wanted to meet she might chance it but felt wary, and she was also groggy. And of course I told her to rest well, and we’d try again the next day.

I presume I could have rented a car and driven to her but even without that this trip is straining my finances and had I rented a car, I would be unable to pay my rent in a few days’ time. Things are that tight, for me. I could presumably have tried public transportation and she might have come out of the house and we might have strolled around the neighborhood (since her mom’s place is off-limits) but that’s also not really viable for various reasons. I hoped the next day would be better.

It wasn’t. She ended up being hospitalized. I’m not allowed to go visit her because she’s still in stealth mode and my presence would raise too many questions.

I will have traveled maybe five thousand miles for zero time with her in person. Not good. However unhappy I am about this, I’m being gracious since she already has enough to worry about. But since she’s a highly sensitive person, she obviously feels very embarrassed and disappointed, because the event that she’d hoped would be life-changing ended up being a non-event.

If you’re a t-girl but not sure as to that, then yes, take your time until you’re sure. But once you’re sure, I don’t see any reason to wait one extra day. From what I observe, every passing day in a hostile environment weakens you. I’m not limiting this topic to coming out. I’m including working in a hostile-to-you environment, remaining in a hostile-to-you relationship, living in a hostile-to-you neighborhood.

When you finally get ready to act, it might by then be too late, or at best far more difficult for reasons that you didn’t expect while choosing to wait one more day at a time.

Even without a major negative development, the one universal regret I hear from already-out t-girls is “I wish I’d acted sooner.”

To me, the most chilling quote in the “Lord of Rings” story is:

“The hour is later than you think.”

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