The Simple Joy of Living an Integrated Life

2015-08-07 17.00.33 2015-08-07 17.01.29 2015-08-07 16.59.38 2015-08-07 17.00.14Off and on, when I’m eating, moisturizing or taking a break, I like to watch movies. It takes me a long time to watch one movie but I’m OK with that. I’ve finally finished watching “The Hobbit” trilogy. The central character is a quiet person with much strength of character. He’s a homebody, and not fond of excitement. Yet he agrees to go on an adventure that spans 30 months, and involves about as adventurous a series of events as I can imagine movie-making being able to portray. After all the adventures, he returns home and goes back to living a quiet, happy life.

I see an analogy to my situation. Since coming out as the girl and living as such openly, I have had the most amazing adventures — danger, sexuality, travel, risk, friendships, love, lust, bravery, fear, loss and victory. And no, no monsters slayed or driven back … and yet, perhaps by my openness I have driven ignorance into retreat to some extent.

And so, although I am always ready for another adventure, I’m enjoying the simple life. I’m eating healthily, I exercise, and I am healthy. I try to mentor others but try to not rescue them. I earn an honest living and am happy to wake up in the morning, and content when I go to sleep at night. Perhaps that’s all one ever needs.

I live in a small town near Reno. Yesterday, I went to Reno and attended an automobile auction and looked at one particular car in which I was interested. I decided to take some selfies while in the car. They’re in this post. I’m a happy girl. And, no I didn’t buy the car … not that it matters.

I walked to the auction site along a busy street, on a Friday evening, happy to be me, and enjoying even the simple process of walking. I’m confident of how I look and walk, now.

The process of finding my way around the auction halls involved asking many questions of many people, and I functioned well. Even the simple act of speaking is now simply enjoyable to me. I’m confident with how I sound, now.

Afterwards, I visited a business associate who has been wonderfully supportive of my journey as an “out” t-girl. I remember the dread I felt when I was about to tell him I’m really a girl, and that he can expect to see me function as such from then on. I felt so self-conscious and awkward. And yesterday, I simply went to visit my friend, and my stress level was zero even though it’s the same person and the same location.

I went for dinner at a healthy fast-food place. I recall how much I’d practiced to be able to say just the right few words in their drive-through and perhaps be able to order something in my new female voice. I recall trying to look as feminine as I could, yet one drive-through guy nevertheless leered at me condescendingly. Yesterday was so different. I calmly walked into the place, and ordered my food in my nice, new voice. I needed to go to the bathroom so of course I went into the ladies’ room. Then, while waiting for my food,  I stood around and exchanged smiles with a nice lady. I then enjoyed my meal, musing about the contrast between the present and the past. In the corner sat a small family with the adult male, presumably the father, staring and glaring at me. That actually made the evening more perfect yet. It was a nice reminder that my strength has good reason for being, and that animosity is never far away. Constant, calm vigilance is always a good basic addition to the mix. The important thing to me is how I observed the man with no negative emotion about myself. I felt slightly amused, and proud, and — oddly — some pity towards him.

It is this feeling of peace that I wish unto those whom I mentor. Whether you’re gay, or into BDSM, or transgender, that doesn’t make you a bad person. I hope you discover the simple happiness of living peacefully as yourself without having to hide your true nature from yourself or others.

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