Surgery

IMAG8404If you like my generally upbeat tone, you’re not going to like this post. The gist of it is:

In no way am I implying there’s anything wrong with being a guy or looking like a guy. But for a girl to look like a guy is not fun and not something I’d wish on my worst enemy. Or on second thoughts, maybe I do. That’s be the most cruel punishment I can imagine.

Many t-girls call themselves cross-dressers instead because they don’t look feminine enough or haven’t had any surgery yet. I disagree with their self-classification. My premise: “It’s not about how you look. It’s about how your brain is wired. If you’re born a girl, you’re a girl. Period. It doesn’t matter if you look like a male prizefighter.”

A wonderful t-girl friend of mine summed it up by saying, in effect, “I’m an ugly woman, but I’m a woman.”

The premise that surgery is “required” to be a transgender girl is a popular and messy misconception.

But, my concerns runs deeper yet. The whole idea of it being a conditional, chooseable status is problematic, not least because

a) That clashes with the best available scientific evidence
b) It makes the issue open to moral judgment.

As to the latter: Granted, hating someone because she’s a t-girl is unreasonable even if that were an informed choice that someone had consciously made — as to preferring to have female thinking as opposed to male thinking, even if, um, anatomically male. And even if the criticism were to go beyond her mind and to focus on her looks or style, then hating her for that makes no sense either.

She’s within her rights to look and dress and move how she chooses. If we wanna go editorialize on people’s life choices there’s a lot that I could go pick apart in the lives of many of the guys who are mean to t-girls. However, the premise that it’s a birth condition makes the entire issue moot. Being a t-girl (or t-guy) is amoral.

It’s neither good nor bad. It just “is” like having been born with blue eyes or not. There are practical consequences to being born in any particular configuration, t-girls included, but that’s all above moral judgement in a rational society. We’re hopefully beyond the mindset where one-half of twins gets thrown in the fire at birth, albinos are put to death, etc. At least much of US culture has attained that level, anyway.

As that point becomes understood in popular culture, it dissolves the basic intellectual premise on which much negativity towards t-girls is based, with vast benefits as to treating t-girls fairly. Intellectual battles are won on fundamental points, and this is one such.

So, okay, if you were born a t-girl, you’re a t-girl. So, why would a t-girl seek out surgical options to transition visually and functionally?

To answer that question, let’s think ourselves into the position of a t-girl about to enter puberty, and follow along.

T-girls become self-aware as such introspectively. It’s all we have. If we’re highly repressed and in denial then someone else’s insights might be spot-on based on observation too, but for the most part a t-girl knows she’s a t-girl because regardless of what she’s pressured to feel or think, she thinks and feels like a girl. As humans, we crave integrity. We like to live in a way consistent with who we are. So, being a girl means that there’s the desire to look like one.

Imagine: a pretty young girl gets cursed by a witch and her body becomes misshapen in a way that utterly destroys her femininity. Her nose and forehead become large, her skin gets thick, coarse hair starts growing everywhere on her body, her pretty voice is destroyed and replaced with something deep, her throat is misshapen, her neck gets thick, her hands and feet get big, even her very bones get misshapen to make her body taller than she’d have been as a girl.

Instead of the curvy butt that other girls her age have, she has a flat, hairy butt. Instead of the curvy chest that other girls her age have, she has a flat, hairy chest. Instead of the curvy hips that other girls have, she has flat hips. Instead of the pretty flat forehead that other girls her age have, she has bulges even when she’s not frowning. As to the facial situation, it gets worse. Coarse, thick hair starts growing everywhere. Eventually that gets so bad that even if she shaves it off in the morning, by 5 p.m. there’s already a shadow starting again. There’s even a name for that, it’s so prevalent. Her jaw and chin change shape too.

Her male-shaped genitals, which for the most part have been the only visible male-shaped aspect before puberty, increases vastly in size. And it’s erect often. There’s no ignoring it, any more.

For a guy, looking more like a guy during puberty is a source of pride. For a t-girl, puberty is the sort of tragedy that is the stuff of nightmare horror stories. When she wants to scream in frustration and revulsion as to the process, she’s told there’s no stopping it; the curse will run its course so it’s not the sort of curse by which the witch waves her wand and the next moment the girl looks like I described. It’s slow torture, over years. The t-girl gets to see this happen, every miserable day. And every day she looks worse. In the scope of her knowledge, there is no antidote. She’s doomed.

Any gesture or act by which she attempts to grab and hold onto who she is mentally, in spite of the grotesque facade, becomes a social and physical danger to her, subject to censorship, criticism, ridicule, threats, violence, and in some cultures, expulsion from the parental home, torture and/or death.

If she tries to work out to look better, she puts on weight in the wrong places and she looks less feminine yet.

If she tries to put on weight, or is just depressed and lets herself go, she puts on fat in all the wrong places and she looks less feminine yet.

Typically, she doesn’t understand what’s going on. That’s part of the nightmare. She seriously considers that she’s mentally insane, and hides her femininity for fear of being stigmatized as a nut case, or locked up. Other people who look like guys seem and are perfectly happy with that. Why not her? Is she even a “her?” Nobody else thinks so.

If she’s straight and is attracted to guys, she’s accused of being gay and whoever she’s enthused about don’t see her as a woman. So, straight guys are not an option.

The only guys who might be attracted to her based on her looks would be gay guys wanting other gay guys, a dynamic in which there is absolutely no femininity and it’s the exact opposite of what she wants and who she is, yet in confused desperation she often tries that out even so, so she can at least have some sexual interaction in which she’s not expected to be in the male active role. Pretty soon the masculinity of the dynamic repulses her and she realizes the experience of sex in a passive capacity is what she likes and yet something was also very wrong in the dynamic psychologically. So, gay gays are not an option.

As to other girls: if they’re straight, they’ll want to be with a guy. She’s not a guy. She might try to behave like one. That tends to end badly. If the starts a relationship with a girl, then without the other girl realizing it, perhaps without either of them realizing it, they’re in a girl-girl sexual relationship and the hetero dynamic that the other girl craves just isn’t there. So straight girls are not an option.

As to lesbian girls: if a girl is gay, she’ll want to be with another girl. And ideally she’d like that girl to look like a girl, not a guy. So lesbian girls are not an option.

The only good choices as to her love life are people with a very open or unusual sexuality. That’s a very small pool.

Over time, the physical situation gets worse. The t-girl’s voice gets deeper. She gets enmeshed in a work and social environment in which her femininity is problematic, so she hides it. She dresses as a girl secretly sometimes, as an outlet. If caught, she’s accused of being a cross-dresser, which she’s not. She’s not a male doing this for arousal. She’s a girl doing this for relief.

Her hair, her last possible symbol of gender-neutral femininity if she can keep it long, starts vanishing. Her hairline recedes in a way that makes her look less feminine yet. It’s not just hair loss but the way it happens. She hates it.

Her nose gets bigger, her ears too. As she ages, she starts having health issues with parts she didn’t ever want to have in the first place, the parts that (she now knows) made the hormones that distorted her body.

These parts continue to pump out testosterone, and she’s angry more often and intensely than she likes to be. Anger and testosterone seem to go together. She hates that part of her mind-set, and perhaps she doesn’t even know it’s hormone-induced. As a consolation, her life is so frustrating there’s much opportunity for anger.

She typically makes the worst possible career choice, something macho to hide her embarrassment and maybe force her to suddenly think like a guy or at least behave like one well enough to not be in danger of being beat up or worse, for being a sissy.

As she ages, her web of secrecy ties her down more and more. Coming out has more and more repercussions. She might lose her children, her job, her parents, her family, a safe place to live, her money, her friends, perhaps her freedom and her life.

So, that’s the life of a t-girl who doesn’t switch to the right hormones before puberty.

Why would she seek out surgical options to transition? Every fiber of her being reaches towards wanting to undo as much of the puberty-time damage as possible. So certainly a t-girl’s desperate need for surgery is probably more understandable now.

And unlike other ladies who might want to look better in a particular way, for a t-girl it’s not a “want.” It’s a need, a hunger, a desperation.

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10 thoughts on “Surgery

  1. Just curious as to why you’d disagree with their self-classification – don’t “cross-dressers” have the right to identify as they wish, just as you have the right to classify as a t-girl or even as a woman even though you were born male?

    Even I get that for some, surgery is optional; they can’t afford it, are afraid of the very invasive processes involved, or maybe they like the idea of being in a male body but expressing their femininity with clothing, etc.

    This kind of thing rubs me the wrong way because it’s like someone insisting that I’m gay when I’ve made it clear that I’m bisexual. One of the lessons we all have to learn is to accept that we are whatever we say we are so if someone wants to say they’re a cross-dresser instead of a t-girl, cool – that’s what works for them. Your a t-girl… but would you be offended if someone said that you’re really a transvestite? If it were me, I’d be offended big time…

    • Thank you for your reply. Your replies always add depth to my blog, and they are consistently thoughtful and thought-provoking.

      On a key point: I wasn’t born male. I was born female with a male-shaped crotch. That makes all the difference. People have every right to life the lifestyle they elect but wishing to be treated in a particular way is a less-strong claim that BEING a particular way and then living accordingly. So, a t-girl isn’t a male who asks society to humor him and play along and help pretend. She’s truly a female if we focus on the logical definition set vs. the superficial one.

      I agree with you that someone arguing with a person as to who or what they are is problematic (and like you, I find it offensive). For example I do escorting and If I flat-out sold sex I’d be making a lot of money and having a lot of sex vs. as an escort with overly high standards I’m making no money and having no sex. So when someone dispenses with the huge difference between “escort” and “whore” (omitting the “sell sex” as part of the definition though logically it belongs there) and they call me a whore, I take issue with that as I would were they to call me a transvestite.

      Not that there’s anything wrong with being a whore or a transvestite but I happen not to be.

      I have several t-girl friends who started the friendship with me by self-identifying as cross-dressers, and I agree with you, they have every right to think of themselves as such. However, defined precisely, if the definition of “t-girl” is someone who is mentally female (and dressing, walking, living as such isn’t part of the definition, just a typical consequence), and the definition of “cross-dressed” is someone who is mentally male and likes to dress up, walk etc. in a female way, there’s imprecision in blurring over the differences.

      So while everyone has the right to their own opinions as to who or what they are, everyone also has the right to an opinion as to who or what everyone else is. (It’s when they’re acting unreasonably based on their opinion, if it’s mistaken, when I take issue.) So in that spirit, I’ve gently and nicely discussed the definitions with my t-girl friends, and often they see merit to the reasoning and then conclude they are more precisely self-described as t-girls.

      I hope that puts things in a better light, and I’m sorry if I implied a more ham-handed approach on my part.

  2. You and I could have a really interesting discussion about how your brain is wire versus what happened at the moment of your conception – the psychology versus the biology – but we’re not gonna go there at this time. I just found it odd that you disagreed with their self-determination in this in that third paragraph and so much that I almost forgot to read the rest of what you wrote – that’s how much I was shocked, for lack of a better word.

    At first glance, it was like the pot calling the kettle black and that, um, anyone who ‘behaves’ as a T-girl should call themselves a T-girl – and I was sure that wasn’t what you meant but if I don’t ask, then I’ll never know, right?

    You had said, ““It’s not about how you look. It’s about how your brain is wired. If you’re born a girl, you’re a girl. Period. It doesn’t matter if you look like a male prizefighter.” and, indeed, it is about perception – in this context, perception of self and, as such, yeah, how you look can very well play into this and how one’s brain is wired in this direction. So, sure, I can see how a cross-dresser could back away from calling themselves a T-girl if they have it in their mind that their appearance isn’t womanly enough for this label to stick properly. And, as such, how can we disagree with their assessment of themselves? If you tell me you’re a T-girl, it doesn’t matter whether I agree with your self-assessment or not – you are what you say you are and, at least to me, were I to tell you that I don’t agree that you’re a T-girl and shouldn’t call yourself one because of the way you look, that’s being offensive (as well as insensitive and downright ignorant).

    Of course, I wouldn’t do that but you see what I mean, right?

  3. Tanya.. I got one for you and your ladies. You know who I am. You know I quote this work. An email comes in. .. No personal identifiers here period… It’s a 15 year old from UK. I’m thinking “Oh Hell.” Here it comes. US Law Enforcement? The Bible Thumpers? Is this a setup? Of course I don’t answer.

    My mind continues to dwell on this matter. I’m out back mowing the lawn and finally come to the conclusion that no matter the risk.. I have a moral obligation to.. tip toe through this mine field.

    After an initial couple of emails he is who he says he is. He has absolutely no one to discuss these issues with in depth. I explain to him a few things. And yes. I let him know exactly how many doors will be forever closed to him and at a time before he ever even had an opportunity to knock on the first one. I ask direct questions about his friends. Make direct inquiry about parents and family.
    His friends already knew where he was going. His Mom he was unsure about. His Dad he knew would “go ballistic.”

    “Listen up. Your Mom and Dad want you to marry that cute little girl down the road. A big happy family with grand babies for Dad to bounce on his lap and hand back to you when the dippers need changing.”

    Without writing my own Atlas Shrugged here..

    I “cut the deal.” As such. “You are years away from any form of surgery. Period.” Totally off the table. “I want to see some grades out-a-you. Especially math and science.” Re’ed back he had always had A’s in math but a few problems with science. “And in addition. I want you to do as Jesus commanded to the Parisees.” I want you to clear a small place.. in your closet. I want you to go there when no one is at home and you are totally alone. I want you to hit your knees and pray … for the knowledge of HIS will and the power to carry it out.” “Do this? I will never not answer any email you send. If it’s something I can’t handle.. I will have you your reply in under 24 hours from some of the most experienced SRS Surgeons on the planet.” “Take it or leave it.”

    He was ecstatic he was so happy.

    Last time I heard from him he’s making all A’s. Everything. Holding down a part time job. Had come out to his Mom. Dad was still left in the dark. Mom was cool and told him if he still felt the same way at the end of summer she would make the call to UK Health Services and begin the appointments. It’s a years wait for the hormones. But. The hair growth? The shoulder size? The hips? The face? Tons of surgery? All shall be avoided. (Ah hell.. And I’m paid on commission.. Oh well.) If he keeps a lean body weight.. Light weights and aerobics vs the heavy lifting. With his face.. This kid’s going to be the hottest female in town. And not one dime of surgery. Yet undetermined. But… How many of ya wish you still had his options open to you?

    Love your blog Tanya. I use it as a resource. Others would be well advised to do the same.

    • Thank you … and please feel free to point people, including teenagers, to my blog. I try to keep it from being too racy, specifically for that purpose. Also, if this is a t-girl, she’s a “she” and has always been, by my way of thinking. The male pronouns threw me off while I was reading your comment…

      • Tanya.. You know I sit at your feet as “Grasshopper” to the Kung Fu Master.. “Oh Grasshopper.. You screw up on pronouns… again?” By now you must clearly understand. I have at my disposal the power of a C-130 with “Puff the Magic Dragon.” One email send.. I can dispose of all. It is indeed the emotional, the ????
        feelings.. The ??? I’m still trying to “wrap my brain around.” “Grasshopper.. Go to your quarters. Read over and over again. Brain wired. Pop test on Monday.”

      • Tanya. Without turning your blog into my advertisement. On the Medical Center side. 300 Dr’s. Surgeons and Dentists with 300,000 patients a year from all over the planet. If one has a passport and the medical files are emailed to us I can have someone from the US in an operating room 72 hours from 1st email contact. Met at airport with limo or ambulance and expedited immigration and entry “If” push has come to shove so too speak. The SRS Cosmetic Surgery Clinic I rep for has 220 on payroll and it’s own hospital. They hold seminars to teach these pioneering procedures to US, UK, EU and Japanese Surgeons. Tanya. That’s firepower. One email send and significant resources can be focused. I thought you knew?

        “Grasshopper.. This was left off your application form for the Monastery.”

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