The Dilemma of the Bisexual Transgender Girl


These boots were made for walking …

I reached a conclusion today that is likely to greatly change how I spend my time and energy. Here’s the stream-of-consciousness thought process:

I’m bisexual. I have no doubt that I’m sexually attracted to girls, and I have many data points to substantiate that. I’m also attracted to guys. Some of my hottest fantasies and experiences have involved guys … unfortunately. If there were any part of my mental wiring I could change, it would be this. I would re-wire myself to be 100% gay – a totally lesbian girl. In my case, a totally lesbian transgender girl, a.k.a. t-girl. In other words, my life would be a lot simpler if I weren’t attracted to guys, at all.

I’m sure there are some great guys out there. I know this for a fact, because a dozen or so of them are my personal friends. But, as guys go, only a small subset of guys are great guys. And, only a small portion of guys are romantically available at any given point in time. When we combine the scarcity of great guys with the small window of availability time, then we see why the odds of any one girl ending up in a relationship with a great guy is … small.

The bad news for straight or bi t-girls: the subset of great guys who are enthused about t-girls is really, really small. If you begin with a small thing and then take a small portion of that small thing, then you end up with something truly tiny. That tiny thing is the target you’re shooting at when you’re a straight or bi t-girl, trying to end up in a relationship with a great guy. I know. I’ve tried, very hard, over and over, in many different ways – even in many different geographical places, and many different places online, for too many years.

If you’re a straight t-girl, I don’t know what to tell you except that I sympathize.

If you’re bi, then there’s hope for you. Why? Because you can concede that guys are part of your sexual-attraction spectrum while abandoning the entire quest as a losing proposition, after you factor in the minute probability of success. You’ll have better odds trying to win the lottery. Sure, winning would be great, but pursuing it in that context is not logically a good use of your time and energy.

That’s a true statement even if the alternative is enjoying your sexuality solo, but fortunately for bi t-girls who have given up on relationships with males, the planet is populated with billions of really wonderful entities called “females,” a sizeable portion of who make for great relationship material, in and out of bed. If you’re worried about this meaning that there will be one missing ingredient in the bedroom, then go buy some sex toys for mutual use and you’ll soon wonder what you were ever worried about. So, start your bisexual journey with a focus on females, and then because you know you’re bisexual, also honestly try to find some great guys to round out the mix.

After you fail to find any, then “plan B” is to replace your partial focus on females with … a total focus on females. That’s my recipe, anyway. The “plan B” part begins today.

Please don’t take my word for it. Go try to find great guys, until you’ve convinced yourself it’s non-viable (unless it’s not, for you, and you hit the jackpot and find that really great guy, yay!)

From here on, my life is likely to be greatly simplified, yet richer. I feel silly at not having reached this conclusion sooner, but I didn’t want to abandon my focus on guys until I’d given it a really fair chance of success over a long period of time, and with my sincere best efforts behind it. And now, it’s time.

7 thoughts on “The Dilemma of the Bisexual Transgender Girl

  1. I personally know five guys who would give their right arms to date a T-girl! And your writing proves a point I was trying to make on another person’s blog about bisexuality: Transgenders can be bisexual, too… but there are many folks who either don’t believe it or they just assume that if a guy turns himself into a girl, then she’s gonna be straight. Not saying that this isn’t true – just saying it ain’t always true – and the fact that you exist proves it!

    Trying to find decent people to date is a problem everyone has but I can imagine that for T-girls or even T-guys, it can be even harder. I know it can be a shock to one’s system to find that the woman they’re dating used to be a guy (or the guy they’re dating used to be a girl) and not everyone can get their heads around this. My one experience with a T-girl was quite eye-opening but I thanked my bisexualty for allowing me to easily accept her because, at least for me, being bisexual also opens your mind more to the possibilities.

    Great writing – I’ll be looking to read more from you!

    • Thank you. 🙂 I love how positive and encouraging you are — and how eloquent.

      The concepts underlying the entire t-girl situation tend to be confusing, and if my blog helps to clarify things, great. I’m sometimes asked to address sexual-studies students at the University of Nevada, Reno on this subject, and it’s helpful to spread the word that, just like everyone else, a particular transgender girl might be anywhere on the Kinsey scale from totally straight to totally gay or anywhere in between.

      Psychologically, I can hardly wait to look more feminized yet, but then I’m setting myself up for conversations in which someone is interested in me romantically but then I have to mention ASAP that I’m a t-girl in case that’s an issue for them. As I write this, I realize now how little girls care about that, and how much guys do, so my decision to no longer date guys really simplifies things for me.

      One premise in your feedback that I’d like to comment on is that, on the premise that one’s gender is best classified based on one’s brain structure (i.e., I’m a girl because I have a female brain structure, regardless of how my face or crotch are shaped) is that my brain structure never fundamentally changes. So, I never used to be a guy. The “used to be x” premise tends to emphasize the crotch-based method of gender classification, by which standards (if explored to their logical conclusion, albeit based on a flawed premise) I can’t be classified as a girl until I’ve had crotch surgery. So, whenever I encounter the phrase “used to be a guy” I try to gently dismantle it. 🙂

      Thanks again for your kind words.

      • Gender just isn’t based on brain structure and, honestly, while I understand what I’ve learned about transgenders to date, I admit to not really understanding what goes on in a person’s mind when they decide – or learn, if you will – that they’re wearing the wrong body.

        So when I say “used to be x” I’m talking about the physical structure, not the one that lives in someone’s head. I had a really long talk with the transgender I worked with about how she went from male to female and the many years it took to complete the transformation. I understood it but since I have a male brain structure, I didn’t understand it because, yeah, if you never had a reason to think or feel that you’re something other than what you appear to be, it’s hard to get your head around it – but I do try.

        I don’t know anyone who believed themselves to be male and then decided that they weren’t; the way I understand it, despite what their body represents, in their minds, they’ve always been female.

      • Interesting language, English … swapping two words makes such a difference, e.g., between “gender just isn’t based on brain structure” and “gender isn’t just based on brain structure.”

        I welcome your thoughtful input, though I politely disagree with the premise of including the other-than-brain-structure aspect in determining a person’s gender. Not to argue, but just to restate my premise in case a reader of this blog is new and only reading this exchange of ideas: I like to go by fundamentals. Once I know someone is brain-wise a girl, then to me, they’re a girl regardless of how their body looks or is shaped currently. The latter is important in social life, self-image, etc. but non-essential as to categorizing the person as to gender.

      • It’s the best path to understanding, wouldn’t you agree? And I’m not so old that I can’t learn something new and more so if it will make me a better person, which is more important than buying into the ignorance surrounding sexuality and sexual identity.

        If it’s true that if you wanna know about bisexuality you should ask a bisexual – and it is – then it’s equally true that if you wanna know about t-girls, ask and talk to one. Better to get the 411 straight from the source and untainted by social prejudices, right?

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