Feminized Speech – Flowing

Feminized speech has nine separate elements, and it’s daunting to learn them all, especially in combination.  Yet, relearning how to speak as a girl is a key part of transitioning successfully, i.e., from being a girl who sounds like a guy, to being better-integrated instead.

I’ve been struggling with this issue, and I recently had an “aha” moment.  Here’s what I learned:

Guys tend to separate words by putting spaces between them, audibly. That tends to make for choppy speech. Example: “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” would be enunciated like that, spaces and all.  Guys also tend to de-emphasize consonants, especially at the ends of words or syllables, so the effect is more of a mumble, so the phrase might in an extreme example be enunciated as: “the quig brow faw jum oh the lazy daw”.

Girls tend to omit spaces between words so that the words all run together. That tends to make for flowing speech. Example: “thequickbrownfoxjumpsoverthelazydog” would be enunciated like that, with no spaces. Girls also tend to emphasize consonants, especially at the ends of words or syllables, with the effect that words and syllables are delineated as such, so the phrase might in an extreme example be enunciated as: “thequicKbrowNfoXjumpSoveRthelaZydoG.”  Imagine the last consonant of a syllable such as the “G” in “doG” being emphasized as if the heel of a stiletto were planted down firmly and ground into the floor a little.

As to enunciating better, I still have a long way to go, but the understanding of this particular principle has helped me a lot.

My romantic partner has wisely suggested that I think of male speech as if written in printed lettering, and female speech as if written in cursive.  That was very useful!

The Myth of Full Transformation

A friend of mine asked if I will go for a “full transformation”, if I have not already done so (meaning: surgery ‘down there’).

My reply (essentially):

Intellectual clarity tends to stand or fall based on the quality of the definitions used.

The difference between a transgender girl and a cross-dresser is fundamental. Both might have male plumbing and might look nice, dressed as a girl — but their brain structures are on the opposite sides of the gender fence. One is fundamentally a girl, and one is a guy. The gender identity for each person is based on the respective brain wiring. The person’s plumbing doesn’t play a role in the determination.

IMAG9202

Normally, male plumbing means male hormones including in the brain, hence male brain wiring. But, the cause of a transgender girl is that during fetal development, a split occurred and the brain development never switched to male (initially, very early on, all fetal development is female).

That has been the hardest thing for me (and others) to come to grips with: that what I see in the mirror, below the belt … it doesn’t define gender.

The shape of the reproductive system has been basic to the historic, intuitively reasonable-seeming, superficial definition. It’s popular with folks who prefer simple answers. Their premise is: “if you have male-shaped private parts, you’re a guy.”

The “based on brain structure” definition makes more sense only when carefully pondered.

It’s sort of like the controversy about the shape of the earth. It certainly doesn’t look like a ball, from a superficial perspective. The flat-earth premise is the historic, intuitively reasonable, superficial one. And yet, when carefully pondered. the scale tips in favor of the round-earth premise.

Applying the better definition, I’m fully a girl, whether or not I have male-shaped private parts.

Being female isn’t something I’ll finally attain 100% after surgery ‘down there.’ Female is what I am, 100%, and have been every day since my life began.

Surgery ‘down there’ is simply something that I can choose to add to the mix, or not. I happen to have the size and shape of private parts about which many past romantic partners (which means: all females) have said nice things, and my current romantic partner has explained to me that me going for surgery ‘down there’ would be like painting over the Mona Lisa just so as to have a clean canvas on which to do a new painting.

In addition to her argument, there are other considerations: the flavor of surgery that I’d choose (the Suporn technique) requires a month-long stay in Thailand, costs close to $20K, and is dangerous while the surgery is being done.

Then, there are other risks too. A friend of mine is a gorgeous transgender girl and she got ‘the surgery’ done, so now from every angle her shape is basically female, by any standard. She has no lack of people who are enthused to bang her like a cheap tin drum, and she has enthusiastically embraced such advances. In the process, she has put more stress on her new body part than it was designed (literally) to handle, so it tore and got infected. She spent a long time in the hospital, and she very nearly died.

Would I be able to exercise better self-control? Probably not.

So, having a V instead of a P isn’t simply an all-benefits proposition for a transgender girl, even if the requests from one’s P-happy romantic partner were left out of the decision.

There’s also the question of orgasmic pleasure. The way I am right now, I can, um, experience it from both ends. Were the front part removed, then my hope would be that the nerves get rerouted to where the new arrangement can still yield orgasm. But, will it really? Will it feel as good? And, what if it doesn’t? There’s no “undo” button for that surgery.

Also, that surgery removes the testicles and due to that, a switch to female hormones becomes essential. That sort of thing has to be precisely managed. Badly managed hormones can cause massive weight gain, brittle bones or (quite often) death. I have had too many conversations with guys who had a transgender girlfriend who went on female hormones and alas, now she’s dead. That development is mentioned with a “yeah, it happens a lot” sort of premise that is almost casual. That scares me.

Besides, my current hormone situation costs me $0 per day.  I get a perfect blend of hormones from my brain and privates, as they are today.  And, I can look feminine enough even so (not least thanks to modern-day aesthetic facial surgery, yay!)

There’s a Russian artist named Dmitrys who draws adult-material sexy characters who are simultaneously gorgeous girls and yet their privates definitely have a male shape. Such girls are called “Futanari” or “Futa.”

As the years go by, that look might well become accepted socially as one more type of people, in everyday culture. Right now, however, I don’t think the culture in America (including the small town where I live) is quite ready for a tall, leggy blonde with a curvy ass — and a bulge ‘down there.’

I actually see a lot of merit to that look being public, though. One of the problems we see in transgender subculture is that a straight guy is afraid (as in homophobically afraid) that he might boff a hot girl and then later find out that the girl is a transgender girl. By his convoluted homophobic premises, that then makes the guy gay and that’s all the transgender girl’s fault and so the transgender girl ends up murdered.

I much prefer the premise of telling folks early on in sexual or social engagements that a transgender girl is a transgender girl, myself included. However, if the issue announces itself with a bulge in one’s jeans, that tends to make the issue clear right up front with no need for a formal announcement.

Logically: if a transgender girl exists, that means: there exists a person with a female brain (and female cultural looks, to the extent she can make that happen). And, she has male-shaped privates. Under clothes, such body parts tend to make a bulge. A combination of facts shouldn’t add up to something that’s socially objectionable. And yet, such are the social norms, today.

So, as I venture out in the world, when I’m going to wear tight clothing in public, I often prepare my privates by using duct tape to keep things, um, in line. And, if it’s ever necessary to speak up so as to avoid confusion, I tell folks that I’m a transgender girl.

Fortunately, I’m tall enough and muscular enough with large enough hands and feet, and a male-enough jawline and brow line. So, it’s pretty apparent to most folks that there’s some maleness somewhere. I used to dislike my male-looking aspects, but now I realize that it saves me from having to tell guys “thank you for hitting on me, but before we proceed it’s important for you to know that my privates are male-shaped so if you’re enthused about transgender girls then why yes, thank you, I do accept your social invitation.”

So, to come back to your question: I still have a male-shaped privates and yet I’ve already accomplished as full a transformation as basically possible, courtesy of Mother Nature: my brain is female.

But, I have some male-shaped body aspects: my privates, large hands and large feet. Surgery might or might now be able to feminize each of these to an extent that makes sense. So, I’ll never be able to look like a genetically integrated girl. By that standard, I’ll never be able to transition fully. In that sense, really, no transgender can. Even if she achieved external feminization 100% then she’d still have XY or XXY chromosomes at the cellular level. So she’d also have to have gene therapy so as to transition fully.

So, the “transition fully” in an absolute sense is non-viable for a transgender girl. What remains are simply a set of decisions as to how much of an aesthetically female look it makes sense for her to accomplish by funding surgery.

Regardless, she’s a girl as to her brain structure, so based on the better definition, she’s fundamentally a girl, 100%.  Surgery to reshape her private parts is in the same category as surgery to make her Adam’s apple go away, or to make her hands or her feet smaller. It doesn’t “complete” her.

 

 

Maybe your Kids already Know

It was hard for me to come out, as being a transgender girl, to my family and friends. One of the people whose reaction I was worried about was my step-daughter.  I’d helped raise her since she was 12 and by now she is a lovely and successful young adult.  Ironically, she even looks like me: blonde, relatively tall, brown eyes.  Her bio-mom is lovely but is relatively short, and has blue eyes.

Ironically, even as I was struggling to figure myself out, my step-daughter had apparently done so already. As her step-parent and officially male at the time, I never got a Father’s day card from her, but I always got “assistant mom” cards on Mother’s day.

Seems to me she had me figured out several years before I did. So, when I finally announced I’m transgender she didn’t seem surprised and simply wished me success in whatever makes me happy. 🙂

 

Next, as to my Plans

A friend of mine asked what my future plans are.

My reply:

I plan to move to Las Vegas more formally, and rent a nice place there and build my businesses (in Northern and Southern Nevada both) and pay off some financial debt.

During that time, I plan to lose some weight (whatever little body fat I still have, plus some muscle so that I don’t look unfemininely bulky).

After that, I plan to get facial surgery so I have less of a rugged jawline, and less of a male brow. Probably some other minor facial reshaping is in order then, too.

I really don’t like looking so male that some guys call me “sir.” It feels awkward for me to correct them. If I look male enough to them then it’s for me to go do a better job of looking more female, if I wanna be recognized as such. And, I do.

Once I look like that, I’ll probably treat myself to a lovely pair of DDD boobies. I have very prominent lower ribs so whatever I get needs to be large enough to cover these ribs and to use them as a sort of shelf and foundation.

IMAG9106ARight now, when I choose clothing, anything with a cleavage-revealing cut does me no good, and it’ll be nice to be able to wear nice clothing like that.

Besides, the ample-breasted, long-legged, round-assed pretty blonde is a look I personally like so I’ll be able to get my aesthetic kicks by simply looking in the mirror. I would like that. It’s sort of like buying a nice car to look at, at will, instead of having to hope that one will drive by.

 

Feeling Confident

A few days ago, I was in Las Vegas. I wore this outfit:

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Those are Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda jeans.  They fit really well.

I spend so much time in Las Vegas that I basically live there but I don’t rent a place as yet, by the month — so I rent places by the night. Ideally, I like to stay at places where I have some reason to suspect my car will still be there the next morning, so I shop slightly about the bottom rung of the price ladder. Some amazing deals can be had for less than $100 per night, but I like to make sure the place is nice in person before I book it online. This is one example: the Aston Montelago. I went to inspect it. I loved it.

ASTON

I went to inspect the pool area, too. By the pool stood a small group of teenage girls, and as I approached, I clearly became the the subject of the conversation even though I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

A funny thing happened: I felt good.

In the past, I might have cringed or felt self-conscious. But, by now I feel good enough about myself that I assumed they were saying something nice about me, instead. And indeed, they were. Eventually, one of the girls came over and complimented the particular color-and-clothing combination I was wearing:  And, that felt very, very nice.

Coming out: My Parents, Family, Friends, Vendors, Customers …

A Facebook friend, learning about my journey, commented that he hoped my parents and relatives are supportive.

My reply:

My sister and my step-mom have been, and are, 100% wonderful. My bio-mom …. that has been a very difficult road.

At several points, the relationship with her basically collapsed due to this issue. It got rebuilt every time on healthier new assumptions but she still struggles with the issue, and it makes the interaction awkward.

For example, when someone cancels a business appointment with me then even though they provide a reasonable explanation and they reschedule for only a few days’ hence, my mom automatically assumes they’re lying and the real reason is because they feel uncomfortable with me being a t-girl. So, even though she tries hard, her internal concerns tend to shine through.

My dad had passed away by the time I’d realized what was going on, but somehow I suspect he’d always known what was going on. As I think back, I recall many little cues he’d given me such as that it was an OK thing to sit and pee if that’s what I preferred.

I can avoid folks who say “you’re transgender and weird, I don’t like you” and those who barely tolerate me, without becoming a recluse because I’m surrounded by some really cool people, and so the theme of those friendships is “hey, you being a trans girl is actually really cool.”

For example, I look fairly girly already but I am tall and I have a lot of upper body strength and that has come in handy, on occasion.My arms get a lot of compliments.

IMAG9199Even though I’m a girl I understand guy culture deeply because I studied it so well, trying to blend in. I can culturally connect deeply with girls (as a girl) and with guys (who tend to connect with me guy-on-guy, not that I prefer this but it’s their preference).

My romantic partner keeps reminding me of some in-bed benefits too, and her arguments do, um, have a point.

Career-wise I avoided the glass ceiling since I rose in business on the assumption that I’m a guy so by the time I came out, it was from a position of power where I owned the company and had a lot of bargaining clout with vendors, customers etc.

What Sort of Folks I’m Sexually Attracted to

A friend of mine asked if, as a girl, I’m attracted to guys.

My reply:

As I understand the Kinsey scale, sexual attraction varies from being totally straight to totally gay with many variations in between.

Transgender girls are no exception to that. Some of us are totally straight (brain-wise, a girl attracted only to guys), some of us are totally gay (brain-wise, a girl attracted only to girls) and some of us are bi.

Personally, I happen to be bisexual. Sexually I’m mostly attracted to girls but to a lesser extent I’m also attracted to guys. 

[I’m a “4” on the Kinsey scale: “Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual”].

 

What Started my Transformation

A friend asked me on Facebook what had started my journey of transformation.

My reply:

Basically, logic plus being emotionally ready to take on the issue.

Since I was little, I always found myself acting and thinking and reacting as a girl would but I didn’t have a frame of reference with which to deal with it, so I hid this from others and tried to deny it personally.

I tried to compensate by acting macho and trying to be more guy-like. For example, I laid for hours in the African sun without suntan lotion hoping it’d mess up my skin and that the weathered-skin look would make me look more like a guy.

As the years went by, the amount of circumstantial evidence (as to having a female-wired brain) accumulated and became harder and harder to dismiss.

Finally, a romantic partner drew the hard conclusion that I was still denying. She convinced me to try a “girls’ night out” one night when we were in Las Vegas. She bought me a blonde wig, did my make-up, lent me an outfit and helped me get ready.

That  night, we went out as two girls. Although I was self-conscious, it felt so fundamentally right to me to be functioning openly as a girl  — and it showed me that I could live as a girl, and what it’d be like. It gave me the courage to face the evidence I’d been denying and to conclude that I’ve been a girl all along, whatever the consequences and implications.

Being Hourglassy, the T-Girl Way

[The pictures in this blog post are of me.  I took them in the last 2 or 3 days. They’re sprinkled throughout the wording to keep things visual interesting for the reader.]

When I was 18 or so, I had a girl-crush on a girl who was maybe 16 or 17, and one day I observed her wistfully looking at her very-curvy older sister who was preparing to go out on a date.  The younger girl was wonderful and lovely and sexy in her own right, but indeed her shape was not nearly as hourglassy as her sister’s.

WAIST5As soon as I realized that I’m a transgender girl, I had the same concerns.  I looked at gorgeous girls with a Marilyn Monroe waist-to-hip ratio and I wished I looked like that.

As to the top aspect of an hourglassy figure: a lovely pair of huge boobies is just one implant surgery away, no problem. But, as an engineer, I am concerned about the foundation of things. Ideally, lovely boobs should not be the sole nice thing about a lady’s figure — especially when that lady is me.

WAIST4I did all kinds of research into how I could have wider hips, including fat transfers and injecting tiny Lucite balls that stimulate collagen growth.

If and when I switch over to female hormones (a scary step with many health implications), I suspect that my hips will widen naturally, but I’m trying to look as good as I can without having to rely on hormones, and then if they make me look better, that’s a bonus.

WAISTThat covers two of the variables in the hourglass math.  The third variable is “waist size.”

At the time I realized I’m a transgender girl, I was at the bottom of a downhill spiral. I’d neglected my physique and health, and I was overweight by 30 pounds. I had a paunchy tummy. My shape was more like an apple than an hourglass.

WAIST2However, I started eating more and more healthy food, in precise quantities. I did many ab exercises, especially the vacuum ab exercises that helped Arnold Schwarzenegger get into such good shape.  In combination, these actions changed my shape over the course of two years.  Better. 🙂

WAIST3To accentuate this good-shape aspect, as opposed to hiding it under shapeless clothing, I nowadays tend to wear tops that are stretchy at the waist. When I wear not-so-stretchy clothing, I like to use belts or sashes that fasten around the waist to pull the clothing in, and direct attention to that aspect.

There is still a lot of work to be done. Even so, the shape I’m in today seemed like an unattainable dream two years ago, but I pursued it anyway.  I’m glad.

 

I’ll Pay for My Own Surgeries, Thank You

The best definition I know is: a transgender girl is basically someone who was born with a female brain structure yet male-shapedprivates.

The way I understand the science of fetal development is that everything in the womb is initially female, and then after a few weeks, then for males the development takes a separate route.  In the case of transgender girls, the brain structure doesn’t follow this change of direction, and keeps developing as that of a female.

A friend of mine is into hunting, and recently he posted on his Facebook page a picture of a bird with, clearly, the features of both male and female. Someone else posted on Facebook some pictures of insects  where one half (e.g., the left) had male characteristics and the other half was female.  So, it happens in nature, not just for humans.  Sometimes in humans, the split affects the person’s privates so that the same person has ambiguous genitals.  The details vary.  One historically recorded example was a person with both a functional vagina and a functional penis. As one author put it: nature loves variety; society abhors it.  As best I can make sense of all this, a transgender girl like me is just one more genetic anomaly, in which the gender split meant that her brain developed female, and her private parts developed to be male-shaped.  It’s not as rare as I’d thought.  Now that the science is out, that it’s a genetic anomaly and not a mental flaw (i.e, it’s not a male imagining things), more and more transgender girls are stepping into the open.  It’s almost like the X-men movie in which the mutant folks remained hidden and tried to blend into society as best they could.

So, for a transgender girl, her birth certificate reads “male” and yet she eventually figures out that she’s basically a female in a male body.  Many girls like that then embark on a journey that involves relearning how to walk and talk like the girls we basically are.  But, it’s also about looks.  Some girls like me also pay for surgery, so as to aesthetically look more like the girls that we basically are. For example, I saved up money and paid for surgeries to get my Adam’s Apple removed and my facial features to be more feminized.

IMAG8405I’m aware of how the government is taking over much of the healthcare business, and that some transgender girls are happy about the possibility of looking more female while the government picks up the tab for her surgeries.

I am, emphatically, NOT one of these girls.

I’m a free-market girl. On my premises: government money was taken from productive people by force. It is not OK for the government to hand such money to me for my beautification surgeries.

Furthermore, I also don’t think it’s OK for the government to take money I’ve made, and to use it to fund quadruple heart bypass surgery for someone who chooses to eat three cheeseburgers a day.

The latest scientific evidence shows that being a transgender girl is a genetic condition, and the girl’s only volitional choice is whether or not she continues to pretend to be a guy, as her birth certificate shows — or if she changes to where she lives in a way that’s congruent with the girl that she basically (i.e., mentally) is.

So, yes, it’s unfortunate. I’d much rather look in the mirror and see a pretty girl looking back at me.  The reflection in the mirror has far too many male-looking visual aspects for my liking.  Not that there’s anything wrong with looking like a male, if someone is a male — it’s just not what I am and so i’s not how I would like to look.

Key point: it’s my problem.  And that’s why I’m working hard and saving money for feminization surgeries.These might or might not include below-the-belt surgery. I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m a girl, irrespective of my plumbing.  What bothers me are the socially obvious visual aspects that affect daily life, e.g., facial features and how curvy my chest is (or isn’t).

If someone chooses to donate money for these surgeries, great.  Do I think it’s OK for someone to take government money and allocate that to me as such?  No, I don’t.